Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
