Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
