I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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