Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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