It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
