I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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