so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
