it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
