just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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