I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize