Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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