Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
there is glitter all over my balls
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
