I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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