You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Less talking, more tequila
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
