I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
