my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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