I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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