we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
