I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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