My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
