What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize