I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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