you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
