That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
