Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
