life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
