He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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