mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sarcasm needs its own font
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
