my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize