i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
