saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
