So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize