He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
