Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
