guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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