I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
