I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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