this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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