So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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