Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
