You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
