YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
