please come you make the beer taste better
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
