I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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