she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just had sex on a roof
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
