He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
