Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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