Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
