oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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