I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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