Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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