Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
