What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
