This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize