I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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