dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
