Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
