just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
they need to just BURY HIM!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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