I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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