Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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